Saturday, 22 September 2012

what's wrong with Gary Glitter, Amy?!

you may have noticed that I've been away for a long time. the reason for this, incidentally, is due to a rage-stroke I suffered after reading dani deathbiscuit's stupid fucking outfit posts. however, after months of painful rehabilitation I've mastered how to type again and am ready to carry on writing this blog (although I am still suffering from some severe peptic ulcers; I hope you're happy, you stupid bitch).

first order of business: amy gothguide, what the fuck have you done? [link] this is the worst thing I've ever read. well... I've read some pretty fucking terrible things during my time on blogspot, but it's definitely up there. I'll go through this in a helpful bullet-pointed list.

  • Firstly, italics are for emphasis not for subheadings. underline, for fuck's sake. 
  • Grunge: the melvins weren't, aren't and never will be grunge. other than that, that's a fucking inspired list of grunge bands you've got going there. you really dug deep (by which I do of course mean "used wikipedia") there. also, punk is grunge's musical cousin? punk predates grunge by quite some way. fucking awful genealogy, amy. 
  • Glam rock: I couldn't help but notice that you didn't mention Gary Glitter. trying to distance yourself from his paedophilia? he's pretty genre defining. what's more heinous; touching kids or the entire Roxy Music discography? I know which one I'd pick. also, there is so much more to David Bowie than glam rock. you didn't even specify which ones were his glam rock albums. pointless. also, can you tell me anything glamourous about Iggy Pop? how about Johnny Thunders? in fact can you tell me anything about those two musicians without the use of wikipedia? probably not - stop blogging. #
  • Sleaze rock isn't a genre. I don't want to live in a world where sleaze rock is a genre.
  • Acid Rock: (also not a genre) "...included here mainly as an excuse to list some cult alternative bands". cult alternative bands? what might they be? "Jefferson Airplane, The Doors, Pink Floyd". oh wow, fucking cult! you know there's no point in mentioning a band when even Nightwind has heard of them. that's pretty much the first rule of blogging, for god's sake!
  • Indie rock: do I even need to talk about this? I hate the term indie rock. moreover, half the bands you mentioned aren't indie, and mentioning florence and the machine in the same list as the jesus and mary chain should probably be illegal. 
Shocking reveal: Nightwind has heard of a band! this is basically what he said...
"Dearest Amy Gothguide, I was filled with blackest ecstacy to behold that in your tremendous list you had referred to a band that I have actually heard of (though naturally their sounds did not reach my ears until the year 2010 because I am an ignoramus). Pink Floyd are even responsible for some ghoulish songs, for example the melody entitled "Careful With That Ax, Eugene". I have also heard of Another Brick In The Wall Pt 2 due to the fact that it has been played a few times on the few occasions when I have cast my dark gaze to the television set. Thank you; your list has filled me with a euphoria most foul. I'm a twat, I'm a twat, I'm a massive fucking twat."

So, while we're in the business of talking about bands that have nothing really to do with goth at all, here are some choice goth-friendly picks for you aspiring gothlings out there (spooky!):

Tiny Tim, Aqua, Screamin' Peter Wilkins & The Ku Klux Friends, Herman's Hermits, Neil Young, Hank Williams, Sum 41, Neil Diamond, Cibo Matto, Wormphlegm, Dr. Living Dead, Smokin' Joe Kubek & Bnois King, Calling Simon, Antiseen, Captain Beefheart & His Magic Band, Celtic Frost... the list just goes on!

basically, what I'm trying to say is "please, for the love of god, stop". 

Douchebag öf thé DAY!!!!!!!111!!1!12£rdsfdddGFGGgsefS1!1!1!!!!!killyourself!!!!!!!
naturally today's award goes to Kitty Lovett and her tardis dress.

...retardis dress more like. outfit posts are sickening.

Wednesday, 11 July 2012

Anonymous A.

Oh Icarus, how you flew too close to the sun...

now, Anonymous A, you sure do love attention. you love to come on my blog, pretend like your very 'name' strikes fear into my heart and then leave again in a big flourish (of course, you return basically the next day, but you know). of course you love attention, you're a model aren't you?

now, I can't help but recall that you wouldn't do the Nightwind shopping list thing. now this can't be because you care about Nightwind. let's not be ridiculous. it could be:
A. you keep having to re-sit exams, so you can't be feeling too confident about your intelligence.
B. English isn't your first language is it? My guess would be that your first language would be something Germanic, which would explain the fact that your grammar is pretty good. this is also why you had such a problem with that sentence I posted a while back - all those pesky extra clauses do complicate things, don't they? you don't abbreviate, you don't use text speak at all. kind of a symptom of... well, aspergers. obviously this isn't complete proof but it definitely doesn't harm my case.

you mentioned that you excelled in music theory and history. any moron who's not good at much is going to say they're good with music theory, so let's overlook that.
"A girl at a medieval stand actually thought I was there with a re-enactment group, even though I was wearing an underdress from a fashionable brand and a surcot made of stretchy and historically inaccurate fabric. Hell yes.", "I know Bas, Gijs and Aron from when I used to LARP" - that would definitely indicate a love of history right there. Let's not forget the fact that you clearly like Game of Thrones. "you know nothing EM..." classic. better brace yourself, exams are coming! I'm entirely sure you're entirely sure what I'm suggesting...

So Xanthy, when I asked to have a look-see at your blog, you didn't say you didn't have one. you merely said that pointing me towards it would be stupid. let's think about all of the 'big players' in the blogspot goth club. most of these morons have commented on my blog at some point. Toxic Tears, Tenebris in Lux, Daniel_8964, Amy goddamn Gothguide. Tell you who hasn't commented on my blog - you. You were awfully butthurt about what I put on Amy's blog all the way back at the beginning of this year. Remember when I called you a fucktard? Christ, that must've stung.

Anonymous A, usually when I reply to you you're awfully quick in responding with something along the lines of:
"Oh EpagomenalMotif, again you have proven yourself to be nothing short of an ignoramus. You're a sick individual; you're twisted and you're corrupt. Not like I, Anonymous A, a shining totem of virtue.
Anonymous A"
except, this time I responded to you in broken Dutch and German, and you didn't reply. That's interesting.

Now I can totally see why you wouldn't want Anonymous A to be associated with your bullshit Xanthy blog or whatever the fuck, because even those that hate me can't seem to stand you. This whole thing would probably cause you some real bad press. People don't like you.

Let's be honest, even if you're not Xanthy (you are Xanthy), it's worth pointing out some obvious problems in your blog anyway. Namely your list of goth bands - I'll do this in more detail later; you can count on it!

So do the professors at Antwerp university really not know the difference between who and whom?

So what do the rest of you guys think?

Tuesday, 10 July 2012

Dani Deathbiscuit: a more in-depth study (you have no depth)

now, if there's one thing I hate it's clueless teenage girls giving advice to slightly younger clueless teenage girls about being goth. Dani Deathbiscuit, of course, is guilty of doing this. Let's take a closer look, shall we?

"Hey, I am just getting into the scene - but don't like wearing skirts or dresses.I was wondering what sort of pants I could wear besides jeans and cargo pants (as I feel like a mallgoth)?"
Ok, so were someone reasonable to answer this, they'd probably say "what the fuck is mallgoth about jeans, you prole? do you really think bloomers and shorts and fishnets will make you look like anything other than your grandmother's foray into prostitution?"
but no, Dani Deathbiscuit has this to say.

"I don't wear jeans much anymore - I never wear blue jeans. I rarely wear black. I go for purple and green."

So rather than go for a nice normal pair of black jeans (y'know, like they never did back in the 80s) you'd rather go for a look similar to that of everyone's favourite paedophile chocolatier?

"I remember when I was just starting out... I did wear jeans a lot. I didn't really feel good wearing I understand your dilemma. It can be hard starting out in a subculture that -mainly- wears a lot of feminine clothing such as tight dresses and long, flowing skirts (ooh la la!)"

Yeah man, actual goth women never wore t-shirts and jeans.

You might notice that one of these women is actually Genesis P-Orridge. Well, let's be honest, you probably didn't.
So basically, you're not referring to actual goths, you're really just referring to your other blogspot corset hag friends? great. Basically, you've told this poor, misinformed 14 year old douchebag to dress like a bizarre Willy Wonka prostitute. Well done Dani.

Also, I fucking hate people that go on about how they should've been born earlier. Say you had been born in 1980, making you 14 when Kurt Cobain died, you probably wouldn't have had the internet, and let's be honest, you're pretty stupid so you wouldn't have any idea what was happening really. Some guy half way across the world in some band that put out that totally rockin' 'hello hello hello hello how low' song, died. Meanwhile you'd be listening to Wet Wet Wet and crying because Marti Pellow will never fuck you. The good news is though, you probably wouldn't be blogging. God that would be a dream wouldn't it? 

Also, stop collecting dolls. They all look like fucking Bratz dolls anyway. no one's going to be enthralled by either your ultra-cute quirks or your one of a kind individuality.

Finally, yes Deathbiscuit, goth is, and always will be, all about the music. basically, your stupid wardrobe means nothing, nor do your awful dolls and neither do you. You're so desperate for me to post a picture of myself because it'll T0TALI PRÜV UR NOT G0TH. You can't tell if someone's goth or not from a picture.
I'm so glad you had to hear this from me.

Douchebag of the day!

Sary Walrus: A completely misanthropist.
At the best of times I wouldn't heed the words of anyone claiming to be a walrus. How did your poorly constructed list of youtube videos take so long to do? Is it because of your flippers?
I love your informative polls. By love, I do of course mean despise. 

"A hint of Goth, a dash of Lolita and pinch of industrial makes a walrus that means subcultural business."No it doesn't. Please stop.

P.S. Babybats, if you want a second opinion, gimme an email. I'd love to do one of those fucking question and answer blogs. 

Monday, 9 July 2012

Dani Deathbiscuit: how can anyone be this stupid?

"Hiya! I'm Dani DeathBiscuit :] I'm 17, going on 18. I live in Western Australia. Where the "K00l Kids" don't ride kangaroos. They ride emus... ;) I am here to spread the word! THE WORD OF AWESOME.. and goth-ness! Prepare yourself, puny humans... for terror in the form of sarcasm and glitter!! >:]"

omfg so rand0m right!? the word of awesome. just for clarification, what is the word of awesome and "goth-ness", Dani?

"SPEAKING of Alicia Silverstone... I've included some of my favourite outfits she wears in the movie, Clueless (if you haven't seen this already, please do!)"
never mind.

Dani Filthbiscuit makes me wonder why I spent so much time writing about ol' A-Bomb. By comparison, Amy Gothguide is a magnificent goth blogger and all-round beacon of hope.

So, it's constructive criticism time!

outfit posts. no one fucking cares what you're wearing. lolita does NOT make you look adorable, it makes you look like some kind of beastly cake-human hybrid. why would anyone care that you've worn black and red for however many fucking days? please just stop.

what do you fucking know about the nineties? you're 18 so you were about 5 when the 90s ended. I'm pretty sure your knowledge of Nirvana starts at Smells Like Teen Spirit and ends at Something in the Way (or Endless, Nameless depending on which version of Nevermind you have, obviously). voice of a generation? maybe, but definitely not your generation. shut the fuck up.

you say you were into things that no other children were into? aren't you just a unique little fucking snowflake? you were like omfg so0o obsessed with graveyards? all of you blogspot goths say the same tired bullshit about this. pointless. you are fucking pointless.

why do you write like a 13 year old Invader Zim fan? OMGGG SOO000OOO RANDOM LOLOMG CYANIDE TEA LOL. speaking of tea, how the fuck can you be 'obsessed' with tea? it's a drink. it's definitely not a goth drink (there's no such thing as a goth drink). you only drink green drinks? wow, total snowflake. while we're on the topic of your crippling vices, you smoke occasionally but have a real problem with pot? I'm sure that hatred is totally justified. smoking your fucking Zarathustra leaves and your Clove-Zenith blossom is definitely much healthier.

now, you shamelessly call yourself goth, so let's go with the facts. the only bands I know you like for a fact are Nirvana, No Doubt and My Chemical Romance. none of these bands are goth. I've gone through this 2334345234 times - music driven sub-culture bla bla bla. in short, you're not goth. you're a douchebag with some questionable fashion choices. cyanide tea? go fuck yourself. also, you have a list of types of goth with some deplorable pictures etc. you don't explain any of it. I'll explain it for you: if you classify yourself as a neo-victoriana perky cyber alt-goth, you're probably not a goth and you're definitely a waste of my time.
as for advice for 'babybats': clothing drama? how can one person be so fucking vacuous?

also, for the record, ellipses don't look like this.................................................

I'll tell you what I've told plenty of gothbloggers before you.
all my love

Wednesday, 4 July 2012

Creature of the Night: A reasoned critique.

I thought, in my infinite wisdom, I'd do an unbiased critique of Nightwind's story "Creature of the Night" (inspired name, I'm sure you'll agree), which you can read here.

As I scrolled down to continue reading this piece -- with ever-increasing difficulty, I might add -- my eye was drawn to an extract in the 'Popular Posts' section beginning with "I absolutely hated junior high school". A telling admission, given the lumbering prose to its left; clearly, you were often absent for English class. Had you not been, you may have picked up a valuable creative writing tip: "Show, don't tell." The entire piece reads as ham-fisted ego trip, your omniscient narrator bleating about the banal journey of your obvious self-insert of a protagonist. It's one thing to insult your audience's intelligence by shoving every morsel of expositional minutiae down their throat, but to do so with such anemic language? That's an arrogant, grossly inflated appraisal of your writing ability.

Since I'm a strong believer in the virtue of constructive criticism, I'd be glad to walk you through some of the weaker points here. The first notable offence is in the characterisation (or lack thereof) - after liberating some choice entries from The Concise Oxford Dictionary of Clichéd Goth Names, you go on to slather them in as much corny Hot Topic gloom as you can muster. As Zachariah's journey ends, the tone stumbles from bland triviality into an especially mawkish purple patch. The prose could be worse, though - it could be your '70s-horror-dub dialogue. I'm still reeling from your frankly avant-garde use of Google Translate for speech as I scroll, bleary-eyed and ears ringing, through your preparation for whatever it is you're doing. Foreshadowing the inevitable tryst with all the dark sensuality of an Underworld porno parody, my shell-shock yields quickly to visceral revulsion.

At this point I've lost interest, so after skimming through some more laughably purple passages -- my favourite being, "In the darker recesses of the room lurked dark robed figures--skeletons and beings with ghastly faces twisted by pain and death, their eyes glowing orange, yellow and red, as if possessed by the fires of Hell" -- I land somewhere in the middle of the inevitable tryst. Because there wasn't enough shoehorned-in goth cliché, Erastus and Seraphina set the scene with candles and a skull-shaped incense holder. Spooky! The entailing salvo of hilarious erotic fiction stock metaphors quickly wanes; Desdemona and Morpheus exchange some clunky pillow talk before a clunky farewell. Fitting.

Okay, I may have lost the 'constructive' bit somewhere - in contrition, I'm borrowing in spirit from your attempt at haughty prolix. In spite of your more positive (read: fawning) 'critiques', I thoroughly recommend you stop writing, or at least get over yourself. "Creature of the Night", even in its title, is a work utterly devoid of originality. It's overly long, self-indulgent, and fit to bursting with clichés. Its smug verbosity is rendered laughable throughout - both by its juvenile composition, and that bit where you refer to yourself as a 'wordsmith'. Let me assure you, Nightwind; a wordsmith, you are not.

Thursday, 28 June 2012

so I was just reading through some old posts on this blog, laughing at my keen observations and admiring my beautiful prose, when it was brought to my attention that i'd been tagged for some award thing. I've kind of done it before, but I'll try to make this one different.

The Rules:
Each person must post 11 things about themselves.
Answer the questions the tagger has set for you.
Create 11 questions for the people you've tagged to answer.
Choose 11 people and link them in your post.
Go to their page and tell them.
No tag backs.
11 Things About Me:
-unlike every single other person with a goth blog, I don't have an anxiety disorder.
-since I last did one of these things, I've also decided anxiety disorders aren't real.
-since I did that post about daniel_8964 I've genuinely started using "good idea of importance" in actual conversation.
-the meyers-briggs type indicator says I'm an INTP so I'm sure you can make plenty of accurate judgements about me from that information.
-i don't live in my parents basement or house (sorry, anonymous A).
-i had to stop posting on this blog because it was making me lose what little faith in humanity I had.
-i'm a practicing mormon.
-i still think old A-bomb should let me write a piece for the ultimate goth guide. i'm sure i can come up with many good ideas of importance for a guest post.
-i have a scar from every time you guys are mean to me in my comments :(
-since starting this blog i have started smoking at least 400 cigarettes a week.
-i recently decorated my room to give it sufficient smouldering gothic elegance to match my personality.

What is your favorite mythical creature or race?
aswang. do love a good womb sucking.

Do you believe in fairies?
definitely not, and neither should you.

About how many books do you read a month?

Do you like your middle name?
my middle name is "motif", but i guess it's more of a double-barrelled first name. yes, it's great.

Cake or brownies?
brownies are too dense and too samey in flavour. cake all the way.

Ice cream or popsicles?
100% ice cream.

Right now what are you wearing on your feet?
a delightful pair of winklepickers I picked up whilst thrift shopping.

Do you often recieve awards?
not often. I think given the amount I put up with, I should be given regular fucking medals for my tolerance and tact.

What's your favorite kind of bird?
cassowaries. those guys will fuck you up.

Favorite band?
skinny puppy or bauhaus.

Favorite book?
american psycho, la philosophie dans le boudoir and the twilight saga.

I ask you:
-if you HAD to have sex with a close family member (we're talking mother/father/siblings) or an angry gorilla, which would you pick?
-how about a close family member or a dead dolphin?
-what is your favourite mollusc?
-precisely how much do you envy my incredible wit?
-best nightwish singer: Tarja Turnerurennnen or Mary-Kate-and-Ashley Olzen?
-have you seen mean girls?
-what did you think about 'lots of girls gonna get hurt'? i think it's a deviation from their previous sound for sure, but was there any point in doing a covers album where all the songs sound VERY similar to their originals?
-your favourite hockey team?
-what's your opinion of people who write entirely in the 3rd person?
-when constructing your power altars, what type of candles do you use?
-please describe your favourite outfit to me in incredibly boring detail. be sure to note the price and thread count of each specific item and how you feel it makes you more ooky spooky. thanks.

I wasn't going to tag people, but I've changed my mind.
tenebris in lux
kitty lovett

see it as an award and answer my goddamn questions, you ungrateful fucks.

Sunday, 3 June 2012

give yourself a round of applause.

hello Ned-Starklings,

I've decided to do a compilation douchebag of the day post because, to be honest, I don't really have anything else to post about.

firstly, tenebris in lux & felice fawn: so I was perusing The Never Ending Playlist of a Poseur, I couldn't help but notice that there's a lot of hate for felice fawn. felice fawn is not that much different from the lot of you. the only real difference being that she capitalised on her stupid fashion and now she's popular - more popular than you ever will be. aren't you all just so jealous? why don't you all just give up? she's some stupid whore that wears stupid clothes and knows nothing about goth music. ringing a bell? further more, if you are awful enough to buy anything from felice fawn, you totally deserve to get scammed.

Nightwind on black metal: how are you so sheltered? first off you hadn't heard of joy division until the turn of the millenium, now you're posting about Dimmu Borgir. the symphonic aspects in black metal shocked you? so you haven't heard of... well, Emperor? that little known black metal band? stop posting about music, you are embarrassing yourself.

Anonymous A: please stop checking my blog so frequently. it's not that I don't like the attention, it's just that I'm pretty sure that you masturbate every time you look at it and it freaks me out.

in other news: nice one, daniel8964 for changing the name of your blog to something more fitting.